Fears

I fear I’ll never amount to anything. It’s a fear that permeates my life, covering it so completely that I can barely see through it. What is “amounting” to something? What do I mean by that? It’s nothing as extreme as what others think of me, nothing as generic as being successful or changing the world. No. I’m far from someone who cares about others opinion of me, I’m not quite a philanthropist, I believe in finding my own happiness before helping others.

Amounting to something for me is fulfilling my own goals, reaching the point that I want to reach, becoming who I want to become. I fear everyday that I won’t have the passion and direction to complete my goals. I fear I won’t amount to what I see myself amounting to. It’s more than a fear…it’s crippling. It’s debilitating. It’s like having on a weighted vest and trying to swim your way back to shore from the middle of the ocean at night. You can’t see your goal, you can’t move toward it, you can’t make any headway save for a few inches before you become fatigued and have to rest before you drown. Even then you keep second guessing the direction you’ve chosen; will it lead you where you want to go, or will it just take you further out to sea?

I’m scared and confused and lost. I know what I have to do and I try, but sometimes trying doesn’t seem like it’s taking me anywhere. The fear that controls my life and my choices is one of personal disappointment. I don’t want to let myself down and become just another body wandering through life.

If I don’t succeed I’ll feel even heavier, more lost, further away from the shore and too tired to continue on.

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